My Recovery Series: I’m Giving Up Talking To People

++ Disclaimer: this is a post written before I got help for my depression. In an effort to be as transparent as possible with my story, I am posting these stories so that if you read them in chronological order you can see the progression of recovery.  This is the first post I wrote where, looking back now, I can see something was “off” about me.  

Sometimes I get so tired of trying to talk to people.

I often have conversations in my head and continually I am thinking about “things”.  Like a merry-go-round of sorts, I talk to myself about many subjects all disjointedly.  Then when I try to express that to someone, and they haven’t been in on all the previous thinking that I have been doing, it quite often leads to miscommunication.  Sometimes I will be thinking to myself and then start talking to my sister in the middle of the conversation that is going on in my head.  That usually ends in miscommunication as well.  And that makes her upset, probably justifiably so. I never really tell her the other stuff that was going through my mind, mainly because I feel like she doesn’t’ want to hear all the “reasoning” parts.  She gets irritated listening to me ramble on, even if it is a means to an end.   She is like most people in the world, she doesn’t want to really talk.  It’s too uncomfortable or maybe it just takes too much effort to talk about more than just the weather.

It would be so great to be able to talk to someone without feeling anxious. Like really TALK.  Not about the weather, not about silly and mundane stuff, but talk about meaningful things.

I spend so much time questioning everything.  Should I say that? What will they think? How will I get my point across without sounding stupid? I’m so worried about how dumb I will sound if I talk about the important things that are bouncing around in my head, that I end up talking about the weather or how the kids had a great day today. Small Talk.  I abhor small talk.  It’s the crap that people say when they don’t know what to say.  It’s the passing comment you make to prove that you have basic human skills.  So to avoid small talk, I just don’t talk.  It’s not because I don’t have things to say or that I’m not thinking things. Its that people often don’t want to hear anything that might be too heavy or too thought to provoking to them.  And when I let people in on the things that I am thinking often times I end up feeling, well, bad. I guess.  Ashamed maybe, I definitely fell foolish and embarrassed.  So I retreat into silence again.  And I replay the exchange over and over in my head.  I think to myself, “just keep your mouth shut next time”, all for fear of judgment by other people.

I cope by making my small talk when I have to and then pouring out all the long convoluted stuff to God.  I know that he is listening to all the long conversations that I need to get off my chest.  I write.  I sit down at this computer and type away the things that have been bouncing around in my head.  There are over 70 unfinished drafts on my dashboard!  And I retreat.  I physically separate myself from the places that require conversation.  If I’m not around people, then I won’t be forced to speak to them.

Sometimes “self-preservation” = “self-isolation”