My Recovery Series: a year later, checking in

++ Disclaimer: this is a post written before I got help for my depression. In an effort to be as transparent as possible with my story, I am posting these stories so that if you read them in chronological order you can see the progression of recovery.  This is the second post I wrote where, looking back now, I can see something was “off” about me.  

It’s been a year since I wrote my last blog post.  Seems like that should be significant in some regard.

Life just keeps moving on for our family.  Kids get older, the weeks fly by with very little changing.  Nothing great to talk about, and nothing terrible to talk about just a blah sort of feeling of existing.

What a boring and monotonous, truly un-inspiring place to be.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I am really struggling to figure out what it is that I should be doing with my life.  I’m such a waste.

And talking to Matthew is brutal on my heart.  He’ so frustrated with me.  But not near as frustrated as I am with myself.

I just want it to be over.  The ache in my chest, the people that don’t understand, the having to explain to others, the others NEVER understanding the stupid horrible feelings that overwhelm my senses until I lash out at the ones I love the most!!!!  I want this to quit!  I want to be happy!

I just don’t know how anymore.