A New Promise

I’m sticking this little post here on the front of my blog, as a reminder.  For me, for whomever happens by here, as a reminder that time will heal the heart that depression broke.  And as the healing progresses, the writing will improve.  My heart felt posts will return, I have faith.

There was a time, when I was a pretty good writer.  (If you don’t believe me, look back at the posts from several years ago.)  I’m not looking for any kind of “oh, your still a good…blah blah blah…”  I know what a good post is for me.  And I know a bad post.  And I know there hasn’t been a good one in a very long time.

I know there are about 100 drafts on my dashboard that didn’t cut it.   Some of them are just titles and no body, others are random thoughts that maybe someday will be of good use, some of them are dark and ugly and should never be posted.

I have an ability to write.  Sometimes, very well.  I didn’t realize that I was losing that ability, it just kind of fazed out when my depression started taking over.  I knew something was wrong when I hadn’t posted anything in a year; no updates on the kids, no new revelations from scripture, not even a new recipe.  So much fades out when your world goes dark from depression.

About 8 months ago I started on some medication that helps my depression.  I first started noticing that that foggy feeling had started lift when I was able to write  “My Post”.  This was the first thing I had written since getting help.  It was a therapeutic post. I didn’t put it on facebook because it would have scared all that read it.  But it was good.  My first good piece since getting help.  It was a milestone for me. A realization that I felt better when I wrote.

I know now, that writing spirit filled devotionals and bits of insight is a strong part of my calling.  I have lost the ability to do that, for now.  I am praying that comes back.  I believe that depression is a thief, in so many ways.  It blots out memories, it makes it impossible to enjoy the things that once gave me great joy.  I truly believe that it stole most of my faith during the darkest days of my struggle.

However – I believe that I serve a faithful God.  I believe that, even though depression told me I was alone, God was there with me.  He was patiently waiting for me.

And I am back.  It is not going to be a fast recovery.  Emotions are so hard to “fix”.  And writing is so very dependent on my emotions.  So a slow steady diet of reading, praying, and faith building is what I hope will help me heal.

I want to write like I used to; straight from my heart; posts that are bursting with positive, love filled messages of a God that is so awesome!  Because I know in my head that is true.  Even if my heart is still too beat up to write about it.

Patience.  Its going to take prayer, practice, and patience.  But I will get it back.  Hearts take time to heal.