My Recovery Series: Whatever-sary
++ Disclaimer: this is a post written in the past, as I was getting help for my depression. In an effort to be as transparent as possible with my story, I am posting these stories so that if you read them in chronological order you can see the progression of recovery. This is the 9th and final installment of of “past posts”.
Its been five months. I just realized that today is the five month “whatever-sary” of going to get help for my depression.
Like a frog pinned to the wax plate in biology, I have been dissecting myself. Checking each and every part and making a record. Sticking a pin in things that stand out, and labeling them for what they are: This spot at the very top, its a little blue button shape, that is post-partum depression. This little bit over here is where I failed at my job. And this sensitive little spot here, was the trigger for my first major panic attack. Here, this black spot here, this was the point where I first had suicidal thoughts. And this sticky part here is where I desperately tried to outrun those thoughts. This cold empty spot at the bottom, is where I first planned how I would end it all.
Before I got help, all these negative parts of me that are laid open here, they were the anatomy of my life. And my depression served as a type of cancer for my soul. Just like a cancer, it started with a spot. And then another, and another. Eventually the cancer took over all my parts. If I were laid out with all the parts exposed, I would have been sick and dying. In my heart, mind and body.
But I did get help, and now its been 20 weeks.
There have been new pins added to this dissection.
Like this spot right here? That’s where my dear friend, noticed. And suggested getting help. And, this fresh pain over here, is where I asked for help. The blushing warm area, that is the memory of shame I was made to feel for my semicolon tattoo. Here, right in this heart shaped area, is the spot where I confessed everything to Matthew. That is where he still loved and accepted me.
140 days ago I decided to get help.
There are still more areas and spots of my anatomy that will be labeled in the near future. I have been diagnosed MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) and GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) so those pins and labels will be easy enough to figure out. The others not so much. And the parts yet to be labeled; some of them will be painful, others liberating, but all necessary.
Today is my 5 month anniversary of taking my life back.