My Recovery Series: Small Meaningful Change
++ Disclaimer: this is a post written in the past, at the beginning of getting help for my depression. In an effort to be as transparent as possible with my story, I am posting these, previously private, stories so that if you read them in chronological order you can see the progression of recovery. It’s not a short progression of events, this is the 7th story I wrote.
The first change I noticed – I smiled more. Well, at least more easily. I remember the first time I realized it. I found myself looking across the table, overhearing my in-laws talking at supper and I notice my mouth curling up on one side… A smile. One that I didn’t have to think about. And I actually HEARD them talking. Was their conversation amusing? Is that part of the reason I was smiling? I can’t be sure because it had been so long since I smiled without forcing it, that I was caught up in that moment. It was a surreal feeling, an out of body experience where I was looking at my face and wondering when I gave it permission to smile?
Then I saw the kids playing on the swings and Raylee got smacked in the stomach and doubled over laughing. I smiled. Again, I lift my hand to my face and felt my dimples. I’m not sure what to make of this, smiling without permission. Where have those dimples been? How odd to remember the feeling of being “naturally normal.”
The second thing that happened – although much more slowly – was the ability to laugh.
At the dinner table Zoe told the most worn out joke, one that we all know the punchline. I laughed. It just bubbled out of my chest. I didn’t have to force the chuckle, or a patronizing half-hearted giggle. I just laughed, and it felt natural again. Like taking a deep breath of air after cutting the grass, that is the clean feeling of unforced laughter. It touched all the way down to the pit of my stomach, and I realized that I had laughed with out giving myself permission. It was a wonderful freeing experience. Again it was a point in my recovery that I felt that I had forgotten how to be “naturally normal”.
The third most immediate change I noticed – I quit crying.
You know what? I think I convinced myself, over the course of years of gradually increasing depression, that crying everyday is just part of life. I think it started with the babies being born so close together that utter exhaustion caused bouts of crying. But at what point did I give myself permission to cry everyday? When did I become this person that I had become? Let me tell you a secret. IT ISN’T NORMAL! Crying everyday is NOT normal. And if you are crying everyday, you need to get help. I know because I have been there. I am not judging I am not meaning malice in the least. But if nothing else, take away from this message – “Crying everyday is not normal, get help”
So – I got help – and now I don’t cry anymore. Now, I cry when I get mad at Matthew, and I still cry when my kids are hurt, and other really good reasons to cry. But I no longer hide the laundry room and dry my shoes to cover up my crying. (Like I said, that isn’t normal) I started taking medication, and I started going to a psychologist. I quit crying. And life immediately got a little bit better.
Smiling at the dinner table should be natural. Laughing at your daughter should be normal. I realized that there are a lot of things that I am going to be doing that don’t feel natural to me. I am having to relearn my reactions that happen naturally. That sounds so confusing, but it is true. I have faked smiling and laughing for so long, when they happen now it catches me off guard. I am relearning how to be “naturally normal”.
If you need help. If you have forgotten how to smile (for real). If you can’t remember the last time you laughed. If you cry everyday. Those things aren’t normal. And your life can get better with just a single phone call to people that can help. I plead with you, if you need help to seek it.
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline