My Recovery Series: And then – I woke up.

++ Disclaimer: this is a post written in the early stages of  getting  help for my depression. In an effort to be as transparent as possible with my story, I am posting these, previously private, stories so that if you read them in chronological order you can see the progression of recovery.  This is the 8th story I wrote.  

This is the most evident change I have noticed since I started feeling better… I am not foggy anymore.  Its hard to explain, but here’s my best example.

I never realized that my life had become “background” noise to the cacophony of sound that depression was playing in my brain.  The most important parts, the star of the show, what I should have been focusing on, – my life – was just the backdrop!  The shroud of depression colored every aspect of my life. My life was being covered by this fog that never seemed to lift.  The fog is suffocating, and life sucking.  It took the color out of every beautiful thing in my life.

The fog was so depressing. (I know, right?)  There’s just not a better word for it. When I was at my darkest, I could almost feel the fog. Like the heavy dew in the morning, that makes the grass look hazy and white, that is what depression does to your life.  It makes your life white washed.

A sad realization hit me just the other day.  I found that I couldn’t recall most things from the last 3 years of my life.  I actually sat down and tried remembering Christmas from the year Zoe was born and couldn’t, nor could I remember Ezra’s birthdays, or Easter last year.  It struck me that, the fog that covered me, also prevent me from enjoying the moment so much that the memory was never even made. I had been this robot that did all the right things but didn’t enjoy any of them.  I was a shell of myself, like a wax figure.  I looked like myself on the outside but the fog in my brain disabled my ability to make memories.  I was living almost a coma-like state.   It was like I had been asleep for the last 5 years.

Matthew sent me this video – This.  This was me before I got help.  This was me before I got medication.  This was my life for 5 long, suffocating years.

And then – I woke up.

Since I got help, I have noticed that the fog is lifting. A little at a time, and not fast by any means, but it is lifting.  It’s a little lighter during the day, with some days that don’t feel heavy at all.

I don’t know if I will ever get back the memories that depression stole from me.  I don’t know how to recapture the things that got blotted out by the fog.  But I know I won’t go back there again.

I am awake now, and I fully intend to stay that way.

I can recall things quicker and I participate in conversations.  Both things that I had long given up trying to do.

I actually listen to the speakers on Sunday mornings.  Maybe life has meaning after all?

I watch and enjoy my kids so.much.more.  I have missed too much already because of this wretched disease.

Last week, on a whim, I bought a set of Easter cookie cutters.  Then yesterday I picked up these crazy looking Easter sprinkles, and on the way home I was telling my husband how I was going to invite my sister over to make cookies and decorate them for Easter at my moms.  As I am going on about the Easter celebrations and the kids all coming for a loud cookie-making mess, my husband smiled at me.  One of those smiles that demands an explanation.

“What?”  I asked.

“Its’ good to have you back.”  was his reply.  “I’ve missed you.”

“Me too.” I whispered. “Me too.”

If you need help, or if you have been foggy for a long time, please get help.  You do not have to live with unbearable symptoms of depression.  There are people who care and there are people that can help.

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline