My Recovery Series: What’s the End of the Story?

++ Disclaimer: this is a post written at the very beginning of my journey with getting help for my depression. In an effort to be as transparent as possible with my story, I am posting these, previously private, stories so that if you read them in chronological order you can see the progression of recovery. This is the 6th installment of my story.

So what’s the end of the story?

You see, I am totally the kind of girl that reads the end of the book before I begin.  I’m not joking, I really read the last two chapters before the first.  I don’t want to go through the drama of reading the entire story, and falling in love with the characters, if the end of the story isn’t to my liking.  I’m the same way with movies, I continually ask Matthew how it ends.  I want to know how the story ends.

I have tried to write a short synopsis of my journey through depression, and I continually have a wall that I hit where I don’t know the end of the story. Where am I GOING? The question haunts me.  I realize I am at the very beginning of a journey that I didn’t want to start, and I never considered possible.  There’s this demon that is living in my brain.  It undermines EVERYTHING that I have ever known.  It makes me question things that I have never questioned before.  The truth is that I DON’T know how the story on earth ends for me.  I have faith that I will persevere and make it through the day.  I know that I will go to bed tonight and take my meds and be a good little patient.  But whats the end game?  I’m at a loss.

I do believe that God has a plan for my immediate future.  Sometimes I just want a glimpse of what that looks like.

I mean I know what the end of MY (overall, far reaching, entire life)  story is going to be.   The “I’m a good Christian woman” type of ending, because I am sure of my faith; that puts me sittin’ with Jesus asking how and why things happened.  Picking his brain about why the boy peacock was the one who got to look pretty, and why did he create the mosquito.  That FINAL ending is where I’m heading.

One step at a time I guess.  One faithful day, each day.  Sometimes that is all I can see through.  Just making it to the evening and waking in the morning is all I can see. I know who holds tomorrow; and I know He is faithful when I am not.  He is there waiting.  He will be there at the end of my story.  I don’t know the end of my story, but I know who is laying out that path.  And I trust Him to get me through the night and into the next morning.  Each and every-day.  Most days require more faith than others.

AND – It’s OK if I don’t know the end of my story, right now. Because I know who holds tomorrow, and I will faithfully step forward.

Jeremiah – 29:11

I know the plans I have for you… plans to prosper you… plans to NOT harm you… plans for a future.